Time Keeps Tickin'

Ok Ok how time has moved so fast and how things so quickly move forward. When you look back you can't believe that you had done that or lived that way. I just sit here thinking of what has become and would could of been. I always look at my daughter and realize that time keeps going whether you feel good or not about life. It never stops and puts a "pause" while you want to sit back and think of what to do next it just happends.

2009 wasn't what I had expected one bit. If you had said all the things in my life that have changed would of, I would have sat there and laughted at you. From where I live, job, relationships and even the way I feel about myself as a person, friend, daughter, cousin, sister, mother. Everything CHANGED. Now at times I won't lie about it but I something thing it has changed for the worse than I sit back and go .. change is good.. you can't always have things figured out in your life. Things happen for a reason and at that time you might not know why but sooner or later it will all make sense.

I have understood why some have changed in my life which I'm HAPPY they have while others I'm still trying to find the good in it.

A good quote that I like to follow now is
"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdone. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power"

Hurt Again

You have hurt me more than I thought you could! You have pretty much stuck a knife through my heart and ripped it out! I never once thought that you would lie to people just to make yourself not deal with how you are trully feel deep down inside.

Who are you lying to? her or me... do I really even need to be worried about what is to come with you? I have so many feelings inside about you right now some that I can't even think about writing on here. I guess I never thought you would be so low and you would want to hurt me this much. I had always thought that we were never ment to be but deep down I always sort of wanted things to work out, and I wanted to except who you were and you to except me for me and help me with our daughter together. You have proven to me that this was a stupid thought to have and that it just wasn't ment to be!

I don't know why I can't except that you are probably happy.. and that talking to me and dealing with me just upsets you and hurts you! Its weird because when you say all of these things that i want to hear I believe you, but than it comes down to... you didn't mean a word you said.

I just wish I could turn you off, and never have to feel this pain, hurt inside anymore. I'm so frustrated the way you are acting towards this and can't believe that this is really going on.

Why can't I just take that leap forward, instead of always back tracking?

Nothing to Say but feelings I have

I don't even know where to begin with this blog.. how I am feeling and what I could do with this anger I am feeling right now. I don't know if I should cry or run down the road screaming my face off to get it out. I just don't understand how you say you love me .. but turn around and be with someone else...yet you tell me different. I can see things in the future and know how things will turn out when it comes to you.. I knew this was going to happen but you kept on telling me that it wasn't true that I was just thinking stupid thought. It turns out I was right all along. I knew that you would fall for her and I would just be another time you hurt me again.

I knew that my heart was telling me to stay away.. I came back and forth thinking that one day I could trust you again but now that trust will never be there. I never thought that I would be here sitting with this much anger/sadness/frustration/depression all at one very moment. I know that this isn't to do with me and that there is nothing wrong with ME but how do I ever trust anyone ever again. Give them my all and wish that everything would be a happy ending if I get shot down each and every time I sit up and try.

My new theory is boys are like books.... you read them and when they are done you put them on a shelve and you never open them again. Yes you walk past them and think about what happened in that book and all the things you learned from it but you never open again. This relationship is so different and something that I've never had to deal with before. This book will NEVER close .. it will never be untouched again bc it will be revisited because of my daughter. Because I have to be the better mother and step up and accept that we didn't work out but that we are civil and that I'm happy still and an independent person. This is something I'm so scared ... I'm so lost and how to deal with this. How am I suppose to totally get over you..look at you and be ok with the fact that I see you but aren't together. I just don't know how that will ever happen.... Its a learning thing I need to work through and its going to take years to accomplish it! I guess when we do get older relationship do get more complicated.... I wish it was easier and my life was already played out for me and i just have to follow it! No such luck though...

I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was.

The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.

Time must be healing my broken heart, as I now know this... Your opinions of me were wrong - I am not that bad. My opinions of you were wrong, too - you weren't all that great.

Love grows where trust is laid, and love dies where trust is betrayed.

One Day...

I want to be able to get to this point and be ok that you move on.. that I get to that point where I can look at you and understand that this is what is suppose to happen.. that you aren't with me.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you
Now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you soI love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Its been tooo Long..

Wow alot had changed since the last time I wrote on here!!

I had an amazing time in LA loved every minute of it, and if didn't have Madison I would of never came home! Its such a good life down there... and the people are just as nice!! Loved the surfing, the sand, the weather, the Palm Trees, the shopping.. and the FOOD!! I believe this trip really helped me to realize what more of life I have missed out on. I have moved into our new place down the road.. haha! Love it so NICE and I love my big room.. there isn't much stuff in it.. but knowing its mine I love it! Madison's room is all done up and sooo cute!

I have been very busy on the weekends with hanging out with my good friends! They keep me sane at times.. :) I'm so glad Janet is home for the summer as well (she was in Austria for 8-9 months; i have missed her tons) More ppl to go out and party with that is for sure!

I've started to talk to more GUYS which is fun!! Getting to know different people and realizing there is more out there as well!! That you CAN have friends that are GUYS and they are just as fun!

I feel alot less stressed out and really haveing time for MYSELF doing things that I love to do and have wanted to do the last few years. My goal is to save up and purchase the house that I'm living in and have it furnished when my mom moves out!! haha~! I can do this b/c I want it so badly.

peace

LA!

Well I'm waiting for my clock to hit 4 o'clock and i'm out of work and ready to start my first adventure!! I'm sort of nervous because I have never done this ALONE but I know once I can do this I can do anything!!! I guess I will need to know how to do it alone if I ever want to Madison to Disney World!! :)

Right after work I need to hurry to the mall to get my american money and off to say goodbye to Lara (and drop of Janet's clothes)!! I can't believe that in 24 hours I will be in LA ... trying to find someone famous for me to brag aboutwhen I go back home ..i'm sure bring my video camera and camera...if I have a chance I'm going to take it!! I can't wait to just chat it up with my cousin about the last few years we need to catch up on. We were really close when we were young more like in Highschool but once she moved away, and I started my family things just got further apart.. and deep down I hated that!! She has a few things planned for me once I get down there...but I'm really up for anything!!

just 20 more minutes..
CAN'T WAIT .....
Heather

If you love me...

If you love someone you would

-Do everything you could to make them happy

-Never give up on your relationship

-Consider their feelings

-Help out with anything that needed done

-Never run to someone else

-Let the other person do things they enjoy doing (hobbies, friends)

-Want to be with them when they can

-Care about their in laws and make efforts to keep good connections with them

--> I will add more ... when I come across them haha